Sehnsucht ...

You never know what your missing, until it walks right into your life and makes itself comfy right under your nose.
And then you realize it one day and your heart twists in a million different directions.

I thought I was with the one person I was going to be with, the one who accepted me for who I was and gave me that second chance (second date) and didn't blow me off like most guys did. The one who wanted me to move in so badly, but I feel like now it was only for beneficial reasons like having the girlfriend around always .. and not having to find a room-mate when your last girlfriend dumps you and wants off the lease.

But as I sit here, and I mull over why this other person, lets call him "D" (and the current boy "P"), won't open up to me; I only get worried and my heart hurts as I stare at the messenger that has messages I left him while he was offline. Now that he's on, I wait, and yet nothing. I could feel something earlier about when I asked him, he didn't respond, and went offline.

I don't want to feel like a schoolgirl chasing a crush ...

But I haven't felt this ALIVE in someones life in a long while.

I honestly have always believed that if something is truly going to work - you shouldn't have eyes for anyone else. No, I'm not saying you can't appreciate others looks or anything like that. I'm talking about when you think about them easily in the day, about how what little things they've said triggers ideas to help them through things.

And I think they return the feelings; that's what a long hug from behind means right? Even if they're tired and just want to snuggle in?

It's torment to think that he wants something that I'm not --- even though this year is the year of change.

2013 .. the number 13 .. is a significant number in my life. And yes, a lot of things happened that year that were truly significant. I finally was able to find someone after many years of not dating or not feeling anything when trying to date. It was my year to come out of my hole.

2014, I feel, is the year for change.

And to touch base about my relationship with "P" - we moved in together about 3 months into our relationship and living with someone truly is the test of limits. I feel drained all the time, and don't feel the need to do anything. Especially when brought down on a (at least) weekly basis.

I suppose that's it for now. Maybe something a little more upbeat next time.




- Seija

You can give up, give in or give it your all. (Ramble #1)

WARNING: These are ramblings and are intended for me to put down what I'm thinking at the time. Not exactly structured, with no set point to make. You have been warned.

Decisions are a thing I was never good at doing when I was younger.

Now that I'm older it isn't any easier.

One thing I learned, is that on the subject of your happiness, you should always consider the following: You. Not how it will effect other peoples view of you. Now how it will effect the comfort level of whatever situation you are in. Not how mad or upset others may be in response to your decision. Just consider the idea that you are, for mere moments at the point of these decisions, the most important person there is.

It may sound selfish, but who is going to make you happy? You.

Haha, very funny Seija. Of course that's what everyone says. But it's so so true.

You, yourself, are a censor to everything you take in. How you view things, whether it be a show or how some random stranger in a grocery store yells at their child for something, is all up to you. Maybe the lady that is reprimanding their child is a horribly strict lady, and is not letting her kid have the one treat he wants. Maybe that child is actually spoiled and can't take no for an answer? The age old saying 'Don't judge a book by it's cover' comes into play here. Judgement is the easiest thing we have engrained in ourselves, and that is horrible.

Why can't we think like a child? Caring only to the current situation or object that holds are attention at hand. Making friends randomly by just walking up to people and striking up a conversation about why the sky is blue. (And we all know the answer thanks to that one commercial, right?) I'm not saying that people, adults in this instance, are incapable of befriending others. I love to randomly talk with others. But as one grows older, there are walls that begin to be built around us. Some are heavily guarded, while others try and coax others in with anything in their power.

It is all dependent on our experiences as to what our walls look like, and how easy they are to traverse. But to merely associate a person with one (or a majority) of instances is just silly. Though it's not about judging or not judging, its rather more of how should we judge and what we gain out of the judgement we made.



-Seija