Sehnsucht ...

You never know what your missing, until it walks right into your life and makes itself comfy right under your nose.
And then you realize it one day and your heart twists in a million different directions.

I thought I was with the one person I was going to be with, the one who accepted me for who I was and gave me that second chance (second date) and didn't blow me off like most guys did. The one who wanted me to move in so badly, but I feel like now it was only for beneficial reasons like having the girlfriend around always .. and not having to find a room-mate when your last girlfriend dumps you and wants off the lease.

But as I sit here, and I mull over why this other person, lets call him "D" (and the current boy "P"), won't open up to me; I only get worried and my heart hurts as I stare at the messenger that has messages I left him while he was offline. Now that he's on, I wait, and yet nothing. I could feel something earlier about when I asked him, he didn't respond, and went offline.

I don't want to feel like a schoolgirl chasing a crush ...

But I haven't felt this ALIVE in someones life in a long while.

I honestly have always believed that if something is truly going to work - you shouldn't have eyes for anyone else. No, I'm not saying you can't appreciate others looks or anything like that. I'm talking about when you think about them easily in the day, about how what little things they've said triggers ideas to help them through things.

And I think they return the feelings; that's what a long hug from behind means right? Even if they're tired and just want to snuggle in?

It's torment to think that he wants something that I'm not --- even though this year is the year of change.

2013 .. the number 13 .. is a significant number in my life. And yes, a lot of things happened that year that were truly significant. I finally was able to find someone after many years of not dating or not feeling anything when trying to date. It was my year to come out of my hole.

2014, I feel, is the year for change.

And to touch base about my relationship with "P" - we moved in together about 3 months into our relationship and living with someone truly is the test of limits. I feel drained all the time, and don't feel the need to do anything. Especially when brought down on a (at least) weekly basis.

I suppose that's it for now. Maybe something a little more upbeat next time.




- Seija